Tarzan: Agony Uncle #4

Me Tarzan. Me Agony Uncle and 1970's footballer

Me Tarzan

Me Lord of Jungle and Agony Uncle. 

You need help? You come to right place. 

Scared and lonely writes... 

Dear Tarzan, 

I recently got together with a new lady, but whilst making love she has asked me to 'talk dirty'. I don't even know where to begin?? Please help. 

What does she mean by 'talk dirty'?

My tether. End of. 

Keith. 48. Kingston. 

Tarzan replies... 

Dear Keith, 

Never fear for Tarzan here! Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!! 

Only last night, Tarzan talk dirty to Jane. 

When making Jane happy, she ask Tarzan to say dirty things, so I reply 'Monkey Balls'. 

She ask, 'What did you just say?' I reply even louder 'MONKEY BALLS!!!' 

Jane then ask, 'What on earth do you think you're doing?' 

Tarzan know she want dirty talk so I reply, 'Doing it to you like a great big fat horny hippo.'

She then say, 'Why are you saying such things?' 

Tarzan play along with the dirty talk, and reply, 'Because you are a sexy pig. in mud. And probably poo as well.' 

Jane then tell Tarzan to get off, and she storm up tree. 

If new lady asks you to talk dirty, don't compare her to a pig or a hippo. 

Tarzan knows as he still has bruises. 

Yours, 

Tarzan. 

Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Tarzan: Agony Uncle #3

Me Tarzan. Me Agony Uncle and 1970's footballer

Me Tarzan

Me Lord of Jungle and Agony Uncle. 

You need help? You come to right place. 

Confused writes... 

Dear Tarzan. 

Help!!! 

I've been married for 6 years, but my wife has recently started to nag and scold me. She has even demanded that I stop watching the football and go and shop for "Soft Furnishings" 

What on earth are these things??? And should I be afraid? 

My tether is at an end!!! 

Dave. 42. New Malden.

Tarzan replies...

Dear Dave, 

When Jane talk too much, Tarzan goes on quest. 

For 40 days and 40 nights, Tarzan stalk the deepest jungle and hunt for crocodile. Tarzan then returns with crocodile and Jane hide up in tree for she fear being eaten. Tarzan then get some peace and quiet. 

Jane then goes on quest. She too goes to jungle, and for 40 days and 40 nights Jane hunt. 

When Jane returns, she holds a Micro Sherpa Animal Print Throw and an armful of pink and yellow Scatter Cushions. 

Tarzan HATES Scatter Cushions, and Tarzan hide in tree. 

If wife asks you to hunt for such things, Tarzan suggest you run. Far away. 

Yours, 

Tarzan.

Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Tarzan: Agony Uncle #2

Me Tarzan. Me Agony Uncle and 1970's footballer

Me Tarzan

Me Lord of Jungle and Agony Uncle. 

You need help? You come to right place. 

Scared Husband writes.... 

Dear Tarzan, 

I think my wife is having an affair with the neighbour!!

I once caught them behind the bushes laughing and kissing, and I don't know what to do. 

I'm at the end of my tether. 

Help me Tarzan. Please. 

Peter. 39. Essex. 

Tarzan replies... 

Dear Peter

When Jane look at other man, Tarzan kill man. If man big, Tarzan trade Jane for Ox. 

Me like Ox. 

It damn fine and tasty!

When you see neighbour, challenge him to fight. 

Thump your chest, roar like lion and tear off clothes. 

Show him manhood. If manhood big, neighbour will run like Devil-snake.  

If neighbour manhood bigger, trade wife for Ox. 

It for best.

Yours, 

Tarzan. 

Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Writers I have read #1 James Herbert.

John Wholeman sat in his easy chair and smiled.
Suddenly, there was a loud bang at the door. The noise echoed around the house.

With trepidation, John slowly made his way down the stairs and saw a dark figure lurking outside the window. 'Is that you, Grandma?' He shivered.

The dark figure appeared to shuffle in response and John opened the door, very slowly....

It creaked as the door opened.
Very slowly.
It made an 'eek' noise as he pulled at it.
'Grandma?'
The door was still opening.
John's gut twisted in his stomach like a twisty snakey thing.
It was a ghost!!!!!
John screamed and ran back up the stairs, jumping into the nearest cupboard.
In the darkness he saw a dark shape lying on the floor.
'Is that you, Grandma? He quivered.
John turned on the light.
It was a rat!!!!!

It's a rat!!!!

John screamed and ran out into the garden.

Outside, it was misty. He saw a dark shape ahead.
'Is that you, Grandma?'
The shape changed shape as the shape moved.
John peered closer.
He screamed.
It was The Fog!!!!
John ran back into the house.
He then pissed himself in fear.
And died.

Tarzan: Agony Uncle #1

Me Tarzan. Me Agony Uncle and 1970's footballer

Me Tarzan

Me Lord of Jungle and Agony Uncle. 

You need help? You come to right place. 

Lonely married man writes... 

Dear Tarzan.

I've been married for 5 years and my wife refuses to make love to me. She won't listen to my needs, and to top it all my Mother-In-Law has moved in with us. 

I'm at the end of my tether. 

Please Help! 

George, 43. London. 

Tarzan replies... 

Dear George

When Tarzan want Jane, Tarzan thump chest and roar like a Lion, king of beasts. She come and make Tarzan happy. If Cheetah there, Tarzan give him banana and he leave tree. 

When you see wife, thump chest and roar. Wife like that. Wife also like it when you wrestle tigers. 

If Mother there, give her banana and tell her to leave. 

If she don't go, throw her out of tree. 

Yours, 

Tarzan. 

Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

A letter of complaint to Mr John Beef of Beef and Winthrops Office supplies.

Dear Mr Beef,

I hope you don't mind me calling you 'Mr Beef', by the way? 

Unless, of course, you prefer 'mate' or 'Sonny Jim', as you have seen fit to refer to me over the last couple of months. 

Anyway, I digress.

As you know, I put an order in for the office to be furnished with a new set of plush office chairs. You know the ones? They go up and down when you hit a lever, swivel when propelled, and have an adjustable back so that I and my colleagues can sit at our desks without the risk of backache, RSI or death.

Imagine my surprise then, when upon receiving my order of twelve 'Super Plush 2000', that as well as having the above functions, they also came with a couple of added extras such as the farting noise that occurs every time you sit down, or the very special 'collapse in a heap' when anyone so much as breathes near it.

Super Plush 2000

At first I thought it was a mistake. Surely these were design faults that your company would rectify with immediate effect, but no. According to 'Emily', your Sales Assistant and Rottweiler, the chairs collapsed because people were sitting down too hard, and the noises occurred, not because your chairs were shit, but because some of the people sitting down probably needed to take one.

Now, Emily may have found the image of me falling on my arse during a planning meeting amusing. She may also have guffawed loudly as I described how, upon sitting in one of your chairs, the Senior Director interrupted an important financial address with a loud ripping sound emanating from her backside. But I, Mr Beef, was not impressed.

So how have we been coping since your company refused to take responsibility for your faulty products?

To my team and me, the Super Plush 2000 is no mere office chair. They are like landmines, to be treated delicately and with fear in case they suddenly go off. It's ludicrous to expect us to tiptoe around the office in case a chair falls apart, or for my managers to slowly, but tentatively, take a seat in case it starts parping at them.

I once had a meeting with my manager. In she came, all important and stern, 'we need to talk about future projects, and the budget for next year' she said using her best bossy voice, sitting down.

PARRRRRP!!!

In that instant, her authority was destroyed and she spent the next half an hour telling me that it wasn't her but the chair, despite my reassurances that I understood. My chair then broke under me and I disappeared beneath her desk.  

What do you have to say for yourself, Mr Beef? Hmmm?

Nothing, I bet. Each time I complain it's, 'Now don't blame the chairs, mate' or 'It's not our fault, Sonny Jim'.

I'm so angry about the situation that I need to sit down. 

PARRRPPP!!!!

Yours, 

Aggrieved