Tarzan: Agony Uncle #4

Me Tarzan. Me Agony Uncle and 1970's footballer

Me Tarzan

Me Lord of Jungle and Agony Uncle. 

You need help? You come to right place. 

Scared and lonely writes... 

Dear Tarzan, 

I recently got together with a new lady, but whilst making love she has asked me to 'talk dirty'. I don't even know where to begin?? Please help. 

What does she mean by 'talk dirty'?

My tether. End of. 

Keith. 48. Kingston. 

Tarzan replies... 

Dear Keith, 

Never fear for Tarzan here! Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!! 

Only last night, Tarzan talk dirty to Jane. 

When making Jane happy, she ask Tarzan to say dirty things, so I reply 'Monkey Balls'. 

She ask, 'What did you just say?' I reply even louder 'MONKEY BALLS!!!' 

Jane then ask, 'What on earth do you think you're doing?' 

Tarzan know she want dirty talk so I reply, 'Doing it to you like a great big fat horny hippo.'

She then say, 'Why are you saying such things?' 

Tarzan play along with the dirty talk, and reply, 'Because you are a sexy pig. in mud. And probably poo as well.' 

Jane then tell Tarzan to get off, and she storm up tree. 

If new lady asks you to talk dirty, don't compare her to a pig or a hippo. 

Tarzan knows as he still has bruises. 

Yours, 

Tarzan. 

Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Tarzan: Agony Uncle #3

Me Tarzan. Me Agony Uncle and 1970's footballer

Me Tarzan

Me Lord of Jungle and Agony Uncle. 

You need help? You come to right place. 

Confused writes... 

Dear Tarzan. 

Help!!! 

I've been married for 6 years, but my wife has recently started to nag and scold me. She has even demanded that I stop watching the football and go and shop for "Soft Furnishings" 

What on earth are these things??? And should I be afraid? 

My tether is at an end!!! 

Dave. 42. New Malden.

Tarzan replies...

Dear Dave, 

When Jane talk too much, Tarzan goes on quest. 

For 40 days and 40 nights, Tarzan stalk the deepest jungle and hunt for crocodile. Tarzan then returns with crocodile and Jane hide up in tree for she fear being eaten. Tarzan then get some peace and quiet. 

Jane then goes on quest. She too goes to jungle, and for 40 days and 40 nights Jane hunt. 

When Jane returns, she holds a Micro Sherpa Animal Print Throw and an armful of pink and yellow Scatter Cushions. 

Tarzan HATES Scatter Cushions, and Tarzan hide in tree. 

If wife asks you to hunt for such things, Tarzan suggest you run. Far away. 

Yours, 

Tarzan.

Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Tarzan: Agony Uncle #2

Me Tarzan. Me Agony Uncle and 1970's footballer

Me Tarzan

Me Lord of Jungle and Agony Uncle. 

You need help? You come to right place. 

Scared Husband writes.... 

Dear Tarzan, 

I think my wife is having an affair with the neighbour!!

I once caught them behind the bushes laughing and kissing, and I don't know what to do. 

I'm at the end of my tether. 

Help me Tarzan. Please. 

Peter. 39. Essex. 

Tarzan replies... 

Dear Peter

When Jane look at other man, Tarzan kill man. If man big, Tarzan trade Jane for Ox. 

Me like Ox. 

It damn fine and tasty!

When you see neighbour, challenge him to fight. 

Thump your chest, roar like lion and tear off clothes. 

Show him manhood. If manhood big, neighbour will run like Devil-snake.  

If neighbour manhood bigger, trade wife for Ox. 

It for best.

Yours, 

Tarzan. 

Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Writers I have read #1 James Herbert.

John Wholeman sat in his easy chair and smiled.
Suddenly, there was a loud bang at the door. The noise echoed around the house.

With trepidation, John slowly made his way down the stairs and saw a dark figure lurking outside the window. 'Is that you, Grandma?' He shivered.

The dark figure appeared to shuffle in response and John opened the door, very slowly....

It creaked as the door opened.
Very slowly.
It made an 'eek' noise as he pulled at it.
'Grandma?'
The door was still opening.
John's gut twisted in his stomach like a twisty snakey thing.
It was a ghost!!!!!
John screamed and ran back up the stairs, jumping into the nearest cupboard.
In the darkness he saw a dark shape lying on the floor.
'Is that you, Grandma? He quivered.
John turned on the light.
It was a rat!!!!!

It's a rat!!!!

John screamed and ran out into the garden.

Outside, it was misty. He saw a dark shape ahead.
'Is that you, Grandma?'
The shape changed shape as the shape moved.
John peered closer.
He screamed.
It was The Fog!!!!
John ran back into the house.
He then pissed himself in fear.
And died.