Tarzan: Agony Uncle #3

Me Tarzan. Me Agony Uncle and 1970's footballer

Me Tarzan

Me Lord of Jungle and Agony Uncle. 

You need help? You come to right place. 

Confused writes... 

Dear Tarzan. 

Help!!! 

I've been married for 6 years, but my wife has recently started to nag and scold me. She has even demanded that I stop watching the football and go and shop for "Soft Furnishings" 

What on earth are these things??? And should I be afraid? 

My tether is at an end!!! 

Dave. 42. New Malden.

Tarzan replies...

Dear Dave, 

When Jane talk too much, Tarzan goes on quest. 

For 40 days and 40 nights, Tarzan stalk the deepest jungle and hunt for crocodile. Tarzan then returns with crocodile and Jane hide up in tree for she fear being eaten. Tarzan then get some peace and quiet. 

Jane then goes on quest. She too goes to jungle, and for 40 days and 40 nights Jane hunt. 

When Jane returns, she holds a Micro Sherpa Animal Print Throw and an armful of pink and yellow Scatter Cushions. 

Tarzan HATES Scatter Cushions, and Tarzan hide in tree. 

If wife asks you to hunt for such things, Tarzan suggest you run. Far away. 

Yours, 

Tarzan.

Ahheeeeahhheeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!